Has ‘Resilience’ become the salted caramel of the modern motivational landscape?

Don’t get me wrong – I love salted caramel but damn if it isn’t absolutely everywhere.

I’m good with the ice-cream and the chocolate but then it was the popcorn, donuts, martinis.  Now we have salted caramel vodka, salted caramel green tea, even salted caramel pumpkin pie. Just because you can – doesn’t mean you should.

Sometimes you need another option, an update on the menu. You can keep the salted caramel up there, for those that are only just discovering it, but for some of us, it’s time to progress.

And that was the crux of my thinking whilst this piece was rolling around in my cranium – the concept of resilience, of becoming resilient, is absolutely everywhere. From the evidence based and brilliant work of organisations like The Resilience Project and The Big Life, to pretty much every motivational speaker and their dog.

The capacity to develop and maintain resilience is crucial but I fear that it’s only half the conversation. I’m worried that in helping people get up and back onto stable footing, we have forgotten that we need to then teach them how to move forward – at speed. Being resilient isn’t an end goal, it’s a waystation.

“Wind extinguishes a candle and energises fire…you want to be the fire and wish for the wind”.

- N.N. Taleb.

Whilst upskilling everyone to protect their candle flame, and to not be extinguished by the wind, have we missed an opportunity? To extend, and highlight that not only is it ok, but preferable, to want to be a raging inferno and seek the wind.

Resilience.

The scientist in me demands that we at least try to define some terms here. What am I talking about when I bandy around ‘resilience’? Let’s avoid a dissertation on the subject and hit the summary of the summary.

The consensus is that we are talking about ‘a capacity to recover, an ability to spring back to original shape.’

And whilst most work on the subject separates resilience into mental, emotional, physical and social – for our purposes we’ll stick with the overarching term and sweep up the entire lot.

Before we delve into the common tools just look at the end point – the aim seems to revolve around this ‘ability to recover.’ And for the record, I agree – for much of society the immediate goal is to get the head back above water. To regain buoyancy and ride the tide. We aren’t even worried about striking out for foreign lands, at this point we just don’t want to drown.

The common tools tend to fall into the following categories:

-       Self-awareness

-       Mindfulness

-       Self-care

-       Positive relationships

-       Sense of purpose

- Emotional Literacy

Is it the tools or the goal

The tools are right. Look at anyone truly advancing the space and making tangible and quantifiable progress in helping people develop resilience and they are utilising some or all the concepts above.

So, if the tools are right is it just that the goal is wrong?

Is it too early to talk about pushing for a far-flung shore when we are still busy just staying afloat?

Am I totally jumping the gun?

Probably.

Which lead me to rethink my original position and look at this as a continuum rather than a finite goal.

Are you sick, well or fit?

So the continuum mental image came to me as a result of my time working as a CrossFit Trainer and Affiliate owner. Now before you flame me for weird pull up variations or sprint from the room in a panic induced sweat because you hear ‘crossfit’ and think I’m going to make you do burpees ‘till you puke – chill. We’re just sticking with some theory here, no burpees, I promise.

Putting all your feelings about ‘fast exercising’ aside one of the theories Crossfit did talk about was what they termed the ‘sickness-wellness-fitness continuum’ and it looked like this:

(image credit CrossFit Journal)

The basic concept being that if you are ‘sick’ you can’t reach fitness without first getting well. And conversely if you’re fit, you don’t get sick without ‘downgrading’ to simply being well first. Being fit is a buffer against; poor choices, poor luck, the random stuff that life throws at you every so often. If you’re only ‘well’ you don’t have a buffer between you and sickness.

Depending on where you are on that continuum your needs are different. If you’re sick you need a Doctor or health professional, not a Coach. And if you’re well and wanting to move to fitness then you do need a Coach and not a Doctor.  

To link our continuum back to resilience along with our staying afloat metaphor; If you’re drowning you don’t need a swim coach – you need a lifeguard. When you are afloat and under control, then you can start work on the skills that let you move forward and away from shore. That’s swim coach territory, not lifeguard.

 So let’s visualise resilience on a continuum;

Obviously the term ‘anti-fragile’ is not something new – I’m leaning into the work of N.N.Taleb and his book by the same name. The goal here is not to delve into that but the term is ideal for what I’m trying to express. There is a correlation – being resilient is akin to be ‘well’ – you can cope, you have some tools, everything is ok. But you are also only one step away from either dropping back under water or surging ahead – and much of the conversation seems to be about the left-hand side of that continuum

If I had to plot against the continuum, where all the discussion and training sits, it seems to be well skewed to the left. That’s not a criticism nor is it wrong – but it is an opportunity. Because to the right-hand side there exists enormous upside, to start having the conversation and building the toolkit to allow us to move from candle to fire.

‘Young & the Restless’ - in my experience this is the domain of organisations predominantly in schools but not exclusively – best practice here is deliverables that are evidence based, strategies that provide functional tools – a skill set that allows them to move from overwhelmed to cognisant and able to reassert control.

‘Motivational Middle Island’ – this is the place I like the least but see the most. The domain of the ubiquitous ‘motivational speaker’ and ‘resilience coach’, but too often it drops into raucous cheer leading or rehashing the tools from the first stage.  There is a massive opportunity here for the conversation to progress – particularly when those listening are no longer likely to be just kids in school. More often than not we are talking to the very people whom we need to start swimming. Parents, leaders, business owners, thought leaders, creatives – people at the point of their lives where society needs them to be striving and pushing forward, not fighting for equilibrium. There needs to be a recognition that once you get the first stage under control we need to push forward – and that’s not about just being resilient, it’s not enough to just survive.

‘A Better Stoic’ - Now we move to the right hand side – no longer trying to be candles, we want to be the raging inferno, wishing for the wind. This is a mindset of progression, forward momentum. We can now take those tools we looked at originally – self-awareness, purpose, self-care, positive relationships – and reframe them as tools for leverage. They are now a foundation, and we are looking to utilise them to maximise return.

This is where the discussion must progress from motivational cheer leading to truly addressing the tools for leveraging a growth mindset. This is about crafting discipline, being uncomfortable, purposefully seeking specific adaptations in response to self-imposed demand.

Now before you leap to a Jeopardy-esque ‘I’ll take Stoicism for $300’ that’s not entirely where I’m heading.

There is a place, and a need, for a Better Stoic.

We’ve evolved, and so should our understanding and utilisation of philosophies born of an altogether different world. You don’t have to be a Spartan warrior, devoid of fear, cast from stone. But you need to take aspects and core tenets and apply them with modern knowledge. Here’s an example.

Those seeking to reside at the antifragile end of the spectrum aren’t soulless automatons. There is still fear, doubt, tears, hate, love – the honest human experience. And you need to feel and express all those things – that makes you human, develops emotional connection, clears the heart and quiets the mind. Don’t seek to quash them – lean in, be aware and reach into your toolkit to seek out the tools to help you regain control and then leverage the power of those emotions.  The volume of information freely available around such strategies as breathwork, light exposure and temperature exposure – and how we can take better conscious control of our autonomic systems, is staggering. Seek it out, experiment and then become a more competent master of your system, rather than being a slave to it.

And to be clear – I am not talking about ‘hacks’ – if something works first time and then every time, it isn’t a hack – it’s just the way things work. Don’t go searching for hacks – it’s like looking for shortcuts – just do the work. Understand how your body works and what you can do about. Boom, you now have knowledge and a functional skill for life.

Do you need a lifeguard or a swim coach?

So, where to from here? 

Figure out where you are on the continuum – and yes it will change regularly.

From there you can look for the tools and teachers to get you moving from left to right. Sometimes you need a lifeguard, sometimes you need a swim coach. Taking the time to understand what you need can save you much more than time and money. It can literally change your very trajectory. 

I have been blessed with the regular and exhilarating opportunity to get on stage and talk – and every time I feel it’s incumbent on me to not just stand there and tell great stories in the hope of motivating. To reside in the comfortable ubiquity of motivational middle island. I need to be moving people up the continuum. Every time. Sometimes that means being a lifeguard – and getting them up and onto dry land. Sometimes it’s about being the coach and pushing them to dig, adapt, refine skill, get uncomfortable. Each role is vital and valid – but they require different skills, nuance, language and tools. So know what you’re role is and bring the right tools. But understand that there’s a conversation beyond resilience – otherwise we are leaving unquantifiable value on the table.

It's ok to sometimes need the comfort of vanilla bean.

From time to time it’s good to hit the salted caramel.

And sometimes you just need to tell the scoop wielding frozen dairy goods aficionado behind the counter, ‘what’s good today mate, surprise me.’

There is a time and place where it’s about survival.

It’s ok to find solid ground, to float, and catch your breath.

But life is lived through movement, through momentum.

It's ok to say survival is not enough.

That you want to thrive.

Get your feet under you.

Then look up.

And get moving.