The Lost Savage

“DO YOU FEAR THE FORCE OF THE WIND, THE SLASH OF THE RAIN,GO FACE THEM AND FIGHT THEM, BE SAVAGE AGAIN…..”

HAMLIN GARLAND, 1899.

When you spend almost 200 hours walking across the frozen Arctic tundra, pretty much completely alone, you have some time to think. Sometimes it’s about mission critical stuff - have I eaten enough, how’s my pacing, when did I drink last? Sometimes it’s not so mission critical - “Pantaloons….yep, still think it’s the funniest word in the English language..” Seriously, try saying that word over and over, it sticks and it gets funnier every time. And just occasionally you ponder something of actual significance, “What if we (men that is) have lost the art of being savage?”

“BE SAVAGE AGAIN…”

It’s a theory that has been rolling around in my brain pan for some time now - I have no empirical evidence, no nuanced data set to back up my claim. Just a nagging sensation in the back of my brain that rears its’ head whenever I’m on expedition or facing the elements in a race like the 6633. As a man of 43 years of age, I’m still figuring my way out in the world, how to balance being a husband, a father, a friend and most of all - just me. And raising boys makes it even more complex - where is the guide book for helping my young boys develop resilience and fortitude whilst balancing empathy and sensitivity. How can I mould for them a path that gives them the chance to be both noble yet rugged, the warrior and the poet. Set the kiln too hot and you set brittle the clay, too cool and leave it unhardened.

From a purely personal perspective I see a society that is rocketing forward to a far more cerebral future - and rightly so. The days of needing the rugged frontiersman, the hunter/gatherer have all but passed. It’s the speed with which we have moved forward that I believe has caught some of us out. Sure I’m good with the latest gadgets, I can harness the power of the internet and utilise all modern medicine has to offer to the betterment of me and mine. But whilst these skills have developed there lies deep within the recesses of my brain - the primordial lizard component that was shaped by millenia and will not be spliced away so quickly - a need to reaffirm that the savage is still there. That I still have the capacity to face the force of the wind and slash of the rain as Garland so eloquently puts it.

The problem lies in hearing that low gutteral tone from deep within and understanding not only what it means, but how to set it free on the odd occasion in a manner that benefits not destroys.

‘HEALTHY HARDSHIP”

Victory, dominance, the all conquering hero. Everyone wants to be a winner but over who and what?

Let’s get some context - I’m not an athlete, certainly not by design. I’m a nerd who ended up climbing big mountains and racing across the planet firstly as an escape and finally as a means to an end. It sets me free, recharges my savage batteries and reminds me that I am capable of raw and powerful behaviour - but a behaviour that doesn’t correspond to outward violence or the need to dominate others.

My opponent for want of a better term is both the elements, the environment and the battle that rages within to stay disciplined, to dig to the bottom of the well and then to keep digging. It’s hardship in every sense of the word, but it’s a ‘healthy hardship’ as Ross Edgeley puts it. My nerd side enjoys the planning, the logistics, the strategy of coming to an exped or race ready to do battle. Once we are on the trail, the savage knows he will be called upon to rail against all before us and within us. I know that towards the final days of the 6633 when the cold was striving to crack us, the sleep deprivation was crushing and every muscle and bone was aching - I had to go to that dark room inside and let out whatever lived there. Give over to anger and rage and sheer will to drive the machine forward. I didn’t care if it broke or splintered or cried for help - the savage was out and driving the bus so to speak and there would be only destruction or victory. I’m not talking about the kind of anger that sees fists flying - it’s a quiet, seething boil that I could direct and focus on whatever I needed. It was personal and powerful yet it left no one marked or scarred. And when I crossed the finish line, it was no longer needed and could be left to return to its’ dark corner - satiated and ready to slumber until it was needed again.

Only hardship will give you the chance to tap into that savage and use him in a way that benefits all and harms none. I fear that too often we misunderstand that gutteral voice and think it needs to dominate others, be it through violence, subjugation or intimidation. In reality I believe that the answer lies in needing to conquer ourselves and the elements - the elements particularly present both an eternal and timeless challenge that I think we still respond to in the most base and raw of terms. I like the term ‘healthy hardship’ as it sets this apart from the unwanted hardship of loss, trauma or catastrophe, but speaks more of challenge and trial that can accomodate both failure or success but still leave us whole and ready to fight another day.

It doesn’t have to be some epic adventure into the frozen Arctic. It can be as simple as conquering the marathon you always wanted to do, the call of the mountains, the weekend on the trail. Can you last a week in the woods, will you compete in the ring be it BJJ or boxing? Will you set off not knowing the outcome but face it and fight it anyway?

THE TOOLKIT FOR THE WAR WITHIN.

In the end I know that my boys will grow to be the men they wish and deserve to be. I can only hope to give them the best example and greatest toolkit possible. From there I hope they will learn to dig into that toolkit, knowing that sometimes you need to pull out the works of Whitman and sometimes you need a hammer and nails. Either way I will continue to put myself out into the world to face the force of the wind - reminding myself that even as a self confessed nerd, I can be savage again, capable of mastery of self in the face of adversity and competition. Strangely it is the very process of letting the savage free in the wilderness that brings me home at peace, able to think clearer, faster, to see paths forward that may have been shrouded before.

‘Go hungry and cold like the wolf’ - because it makes you a better human.

Oh yeah - “pantaloons” .

See, still funny. ;)